I had read somewhere that people change so that you could like them lesser and so that you could disentangle yourself and move away from them. This came to me as a hard hitting truth. So many times in so many relationships I have wondered why things are not going the way I would like them to, most likely because I probably wrap up my new found friend or love in a golden robe and aura and forget to watch out for the clay feet. And we all have clay feet – there always is a chink in the armor, there always will be that hidden little something we may not approve of. When it is little and it is hidden, or at least camouflaged, I find it easier to handle. But when it becomes bigger and more prevalent, then I start seeing it as a change I do not like. And then the distance starts developing, the pain of the friend or partner not understanding me or clearly behaving in a way that they know hurts me starts to erode the thread of trust and bonding in the relationship.
So, obviously, the person in front of me isn’t changing, but the pattern of his/her behavior is certainly making me change the way I look at that person. And it certainly is painful. I swear never to go down that route again, never to trust again, never to believe again. But I am no nay-sayer, so inevitably after bouncing back I trust again, and again, and again…
Each time, every single time, I promise to remember the hurt. But that would suffocate me, let alone have a happy existence. Who would want that, certainly not me. Life is too short to be unhappy, they say. Surround yourself with happy people, they say. Oh they say a lot, but how much of that can we really live by, is the question.
Where to start, where to end, how to not repeat the mistakes – it’s all so complicated, yet so simple to understand. Live in the present? Have no expectations? Ah, would that mean not to care to live up to someone else’s expectations? Yes, why not? To all those people who tell me not to expect anything, because that will lead to ultimate happiness – I would like to ask this – would you be OK if someone you consider very close to you just does not live up to your expectation, does not care to fulfill your expectation, does not simply understand your expectation? Would you say then it’s ok for you to not expect, because not expecting anything will lead to your happiness? Very unreasonable of me to ask this question is what you will think – oh, it’s not in this context you will say, oh but it’s not that simple you will say, or you will simply say you do not understand relationships or how beautiful they can be when people are in tune with each other and things like expectations do not matter.
Hmm, don’t they? Seriously?
Change is constant. The only thing permanent is change. It all takes a lot of hard work to make it work. We just need to weigh if all that hard work is worth the effort. If you don’t think it is, don’t even try. Life is too big, too vast, and too beautiful to throw it away on a few good moments followed by minutes, days and months of grief and frustration. But if you think it’s all too precious then there is no limit to how much you can trust and believe again. And again. And again. Like me. Smile :)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The comfort of the known, the thrill of the yet unknown
To be or not to be, that is the question.
But here is an interesting situation I have observed so many times. This is about being smitten with a man committed in a relationship already. Oh, everything inside her tells her it’s wrong, everything outside dittos it. Other than some wise and sensible friend who says “enjoy the feeling while it lasts” the others immediately go perch on a moral high ground and talk her down with a “tch tch, you will always be the “other woman””.
Hmm. Other woman. I know a solution to this problem too. Get to know the better-half of the object of your affection. Get to know his clan, see him with them, and in a heartbeat you will wonder why you even went down that route! This is the simplest solution, and it needs to be implemented as a “quick win” since it’s the easiest thing to do and needs to be done before other complications set in.
And the object of her affection has probably been informed about this solution. But does he really want this to end right away? Who wouldn’t like to be loved and adored, to be admired and pampered? That’s exactly it. We all want it – all the time. If we have it once through our life partners or better halves, we don’t ever say that I have had enough for a lifetime, and now am satisfied. It’s an insatiable want to be wanted. The idea of falling in love, that heady feeling of attraction, those long hours spent in learning about each other and beginning to like all that you hear and experience – any human, average or otherwise, would crave for it. We learn to control these feelings for obvious reasons, but somewhere deep inside we want to feel love all over again. Have you seen couples who have been together for a long time beginning to treat each other like siblings? They will hug and be cozy, but the face will not sparkle. We cannot expect it to sparkle anyway. After years together a feeling of comfort sets in, maybe a sense of boredom too – sometimes even if it’s a devil of a partner you have, it’s at least a known devil and hence comfortable to be with! Wriggling out of this comfort zone is not a welcome thought, and most of the time this very comfort and a strong commitment towards children keeps the bond alive.
Until someone like her walks into his life. The other woman. In caring, showing affection and admiration openly towards this stagnated and comfortable man she opens up all those feelings kept tightly under control. I am not saying it’s easy to do that – some men are genuinely interested in keeping their families and lives intact. But, and this is the catch, they don’t mind a little taste of this delicious feeling all over again. I have seen that after a while, when the sheen of romance is worn out, when the expectations start making it look like any other long-term relationship, these very men think they made a mistake and run back to their cozy committed life, they are suddenly afraid of losing all they have. And what happens to this other woman? She can either feel guilty or keep “Sex and the City” as her model code of conduct guide, and move on to the next attached or unattached relationship – whatever makes her happy! HA!
But here is an interesting situation I have observed so many times. This is about being smitten with a man committed in a relationship already. Oh, everything inside her tells her it’s wrong, everything outside dittos it. Other than some wise and sensible friend who says “enjoy the feeling while it lasts” the others immediately go perch on a moral high ground and talk her down with a “tch tch, you will always be the “other woman””.
Hmm. Other woman. I know a solution to this problem too. Get to know the better-half of the object of your affection. Get to know his clan, see him with them, and in a heartbeat you will wonder why you even went down that route! This is the simplest solution, and it needs to be implemented as a “quick win” since it’s the easiest thing to do and needs to be done before other complications set in.
And the object of her affection has probably been informed about this solution. But does he really want this to end right away? Who wouldn’t like to be loved and adored, to be admired and pampered? That’s exactly it. We all want it – all the time. If we have it once through our life partners or better halves, we don’t ever say that I have had enough for a lifetime, and now am satisfied. It’s an insatiable want to be wanted. The idea of falling in love, that heady feeling of attraction, those long hours spent in learning about each other and beginning to like all that you hear and experience – any human, average or otherwise, would crave for it. We learn to control these feelings for obvious reasons, but somewhere deep inside we want to feel love all over again. Have you seen couples who have been together for a long time beginning to treat each other like siblings? They will hug and be cozy, but the face will not sparkle. We cannot expect it to sparkle anyway. After years together a feeling of comfort sets in, maybe a sense of boredom too – sometimes even if it’s a devil of a partner you have, it’s at least a known devil and hence comfortable to be with! Wriggling out of this comfort zone is not a welcome thought, and most of the time this very comfort and a strong commitment towards children keeps the bond alive.
Until someone like her walks into his life. The other woman. In caring, showing affection and admiration openly towards this stagnated and comfortable man she opens up all those feelings kept tightly under control. I am not saying it’s easy to do that – some men are genuinely interested in keeping their families and lives intact. But, and this is the catch, they don’t mind a little taste of this delicious feeling all over again. I have seen that after a while, when the sheen of romance is worn out, when the expectations start making it look like any other long-term relationship, these very men think they made a mistake and run back to their cozy committed life, they are suddenly afraid of losing all they have. And what happens to this other woman? She can either feel guilty or keep “Sex and the City” as her model code of conduct guide, and move on to the next attached or unattached relationship – whatever makes her happy! HA!
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